WHY THE PAST SHOULD REMAIN PAST TENSE.....
February 13th 2007 05:35
At the psychologist's yesterday we discussed beginning to dig around in my childhood, air the dirty linen so to speak, get out the past, dig around in it like a fallow garden bed, aerate it in the hope that new crops will grow in the barren plot yada yada yada.
I was extremely hesitant, maybe even resistant to this suggestion, probably, due to the fact, that to be honest , I find it painful and not very useful to make myself even more depressed than I can make myself in normal day to day life.
I expressed the opinion that, having dipped my toes in and out of psychotherapy in the past, I know and accept that supposedly "terrible" things occured way back whenever and I have acknowledged that and have even made my inner peace if you like with the perpetrators (for want of a better word).
The therapist scribbled copious notes before passing comment on my assertations.
Maybe, you havent forgiven yourself!!!! That is why you dont like you, it all stems from way back then, that you invited or caused these things to take place, lack of self esteem comes from feeling disenfranchised during the emotionally formative years".
I was quick to reassure her that I dont like myself pretty fine as it is based on the past 12 months to 20 odd years let alone opening up a long ago closed pandora's box. I understand what happened to me, I know it happened, I think about it now, and the feeling is numbness, if ...... noone starts stirring the pot, then everything bubbles up. Knowing and accepting things that have happened, fine, but that knowing doesnt change the fact that things happen and that's how it is. Good and bad, kind and unkind, yin and yang?
This conversation neatly filled the remaining 20 minutes of the session and thus avoided another mascara messing emotional outpouring of muddled memories.
I was extremely hesitant, maybe even resistant to this suggestion, probably, due to the fact, that to be honest , I find it painful and not very useful to make myself even more depressed than I can make myself in normal day to day life.
I expressed the opinion that, having dipped my toes in and out of psychotherapy in the past, I know and accept that supposedly "terrible" things occured way back whenever and I have acknowledged that and have even made my inner peace if you like with the perpetrators (for want of a better word).
The therapist scribbled copious notes before passing comment on my assertations.
Maybe, you havent forgiven yourself!!!! That is why you dont like you, it all stems from way back then, that you invited or caused these things to take place, lack of self esteem comes from feeling disenfranchised during the emotionally formative years".
I was quick to reassure her that I dont like myself pretty fine as it is based on the past 12 months to 20 odd years let alone opening up a long ago closed pandora's box. I understand what happened to me, I know it happened, I think about it now, and the feeling is numbness, if ...... noone starts stirring the pot, then everything bubbles up. Knowing and accepting things that have happened, fine, but that knowing doesnt change the fact that things happen and that's how it is. Good and bad, kind and unkind, yin and yang?
This conversation neatly filled the remaining 20 minutes of the session and thus avoided another mascara messing emotional outpouring of muddled memories.
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