THE VOICES IN MY HEAD
March 9th 2007 05:52
I wish you could hear them…..the voices in my head, maybe if you listened you would understand why. It never lets up, I feel quite insane, most of the time, it’s hard to get up and function normally, like everyone else with the voices in my head talking all the time? When I feel insane I think everyone else is out to get me, they are looking at me, see, she looked at me, she knows I’m insane, they all know I’m insane, I’m not like them.
Constant chatter, incessant, on and on, you are hopeless you should die, you should die, go on, do it, do it.
Somehow I am supposed to get out of bed, get the kids out of bed, get them ready for school, clean the house, do the grocery shopping, when the voice in my head just wants to kill me. Somehow, like a robot I manage to get through the day, my crazy mind and me. When I drive I think about just driving, keep driving, drive away from the madness in my mind. I’ve done that you know, just kept driving, and driving and driving, till I ran out of petrol then I called him, and he came in the rain in the middle of the night and took me home. Home is the house where my body lives with my husband and my two children, my fat body that won’t do what my brain tells it to, just die, why don’t you just die.
My psychologist said everyone has voices in their head, its normal to talk to yourself, and everyone thinks bad thoughts sometimes, I think dark, painful, hurting me thoughts all the time, not sometimes. See, I’m not like other people, they are looking at me, I can hear them talking about me, me and my dark painful thoughts.
I know I can’t drink, its poison to me, when I drink the voices take over, make me do crazy things, take the girls to school, drive to the airport, no luggage, no mobile phone, buy a ticket to Ayers Rock, no one will know me there, maybe the voices will stay behind if noone knows me? Find the bottle shop and walk and walk and sit in the desert looking at Ayers Rock with no food and water and drink and drink and drink until I fall asleep and in the morning a man finds me and takes me to the clinic and my sister comes the next day and takes me home.
They worry about me, they send me to a hospital, it’s nice there, it’s safe, the voices go quiet, I can still hear them but they are muffled and sound like they are in another room. Three weeks, I have to go back to the world, I don’t want to go, I want to stay where its safe and there are people like me, with crazy thoughts and we don’t look at each other like they look at us, because we know, we can almost hear each other’s crazy thoughts.
I am home, the house where my body lives with my family.
Its ok they don’t look at me, but the voices in my head are getting louder. I go once a week to group and see my friends from hospital, there were six of us together, we are good mates, friends that understand the craziness, the danger, the voices in my head. I can talk to the group about the voices and no one laughs at me, or looks, they just listen, its good to say out loud what the voices say
to me in my head, to spit them out, it seems to slow the thoughts down by saying them, sometimes.
W called me, in bad shape, she went on a bender, got picked up by a man, woke up naked in a strange bed in a strange place. She is suicidal, not making sense, I drive to her, the voices in my head are getting excited. I get to W’s house, she is a mess, its 11.00am and she is drinking Vodka, I sit with her and talk and all the time the voices in my head say have a drink, go on, have a drink with W, it’s what you want to do, you know you really want a drink, so just have a goddam drink, who are you kidding. My mind repeats this like a mantra, I drink cups of tea and coffee, for hours, until round 2 oclock I call my husband and ask him to get the girls from school, I hear myself tell him “I have to stay with W, she’s a mess”. He sounds very sad, not angry, just very tired and sad, I say goodbye and turn off my mobile phone….
I don’t remember driving to the Coast, I don’t remember it at all, or checking into the caravan park with bottles and bottles of vodka, I don’t remember waking in the night or walking out in just a T shirt leaving W asleep. I don’t remember walking to the creek, They say I must have slipped and hit my head and fallen in, that what they say, later when they find me. All I know is the voices in my head are finally silent.
Constant chatter, incessant, on and on, you are hopeless you should die, you should die, go on, do it, do it.
Somehow I am supposed to get out of bed, get the kids out of bed, get them ready for school, clean the house, do the grocery shopping, when the voice in my head just wants to kill me. Somehow, like a robot I manage to get through the day, my crazy mind and me. When I drive I think about just driving, keep driving, drive away from the madness in my mind. I’ve done that you know, just kept driving, and driving and driving, till I ran out of petrol then I called him, and he came in the rain in the middle of the night and took me home. Home is the house where my body lives with my husband and my two children, my fat body that won’t do what my brain tells it to, just die, why don’t you just die.
My psychologist said everyone has voices in their head, its normal to talk to yourself, and everyone thinks bad thoughts sometimes, I think dark, painful, hurting me thoughts all the time, not sometimes. See, I’m not like other people, they are looking at me, I can hear them talking about me, me and my dark painful thoughts.
I know I can’t drink, its poison to me, when I drink the voices take over, make me do crazy things, take the girls to school, drive to the airport, no luggage, no mobile phone, buy a ticket to Ayers Rock, no one will know me there, maybe the voices will stay behind if noone knows me? Find the bottle shop and walk and walk and sit in the desert looking at Ayers Rock with no food and water and drink and drink and drink until I fall asleep and in the morning a man finds me and takes me to the clinic and my sister comes the next day and takes me home.
They worry about me, they send me to a hospital, it’s nice there, it’s safe, the voices go quiet, I can still hear them but they are muffled and sound like they are in another room. Three weeks, I have to go back to the world, I don’t want to go, I want to stay where its safe and there are people like me, with crazy thoughts and we don’t look at each other like they look at us, because we know, we can almost hear each other’s crazy thoughts.
I am home, the house where my body lives with my family.
Its ok they don’t look at me, but the voices in my head are getting louder. I go once a week to group and see my friends from hospital, there were six of us together, we are good mates, friends that understand the craziness, the danger, the voices in my head. I can talk to the group about the voices and no one laughs at me, or looks, they just listen, its good to say out loud what the voices say
to me in my head, to spit them out, it seems to slow the thoughts down by saying them, sometimes.
W called me, in bad shape, she went on a bender, got picked up by a man, woke up naked in a strange bed in a strange place. She is suicidal, not making sense, I drive to her, the voices in my head are getting excited. I get to W’s house, she is a mess, its 11.00am and she is drinking Vodka, I sit with her and talk and all the time the voices in my head say have a drink, go on, have a drink with W, it’s what you want to do, you know you really want a drink, so just have a goddam drink, who are you kidding. My mind repeats this like a mantra, I drink cups of tea and coffee, for hours, until round 2 oclock I call my husband and ask him to get the girls from school, I hear myself tell him “I have to stay with W, she’s a mess”. He sounds very sad, not angry, just very tired and sad, I say goodbye and turn off my mobile phone….
I don’t remember driving to the Coast, I don’t remember it at all, or checking into the caravan park with bottles and bottles of vodka, I don’t remember waking in the night or walking out in just a T shirt leaving W asleep. I don’t remember walking to the creek, They say I must have slipped and hit my head and fallen in, that what they say, later when they find me. All I know is the voices in my head are finally silent.
| 51 |
| Vote |
subscribe to this blog
Comment by Tracy
Movies and Life
Tracy
Comment by JohnDoe
Film & TV on DVD