LESSON 4 - Not Live Together Die Alone, it's Live Alone, Die Alone...
August 25th 2006 18:33
"Live Together, Die Alone" - very captivating title of a Lost episode... I've never really been a drama person... at least recently anyways... but Lost has really taken my fancy...
Anyway this blog isn't about Lost, it's about living alone and dying alone...
Now you may recall me stating that I'm a realist... This wasn't always the case however... In my younger years I was a very true idealist - a romantist~ I thought the world is one happy happy joy joy place and we all live to better one another~ ha...
One of the most surprising and sadening discoveries I made in my older years was the fact that life is a lonely journey... That is the truth... You live for yourself and by yourself... It was the worst when I discovered that amongst friendship...
When I was a lad~ heh... my idea of friends and friendship were people you would give your life for... Your best mate was someone you cherished forever... You shared everything with them... No one would come between you and you lived for each other... For mateship and friends...
Having grown up... I realised how foolishly ideal that was... I experience it all the time, and everytime I do it still kinda hurts me inside... The fact that there may never be a person who understands me and shares my thoughts as much as I would like to... It was a sad revelation... Actually that is a little inaccurate for me... I have found someone who I feel can understand me and know me sometimes better than myself... But they're not the friend I was so idealistic about all those years ago... There's a big difference between your friend and your love...
Anywho... of all the people you call friends... how many of them do you think you could truly trust? How many do you think you could waste a shit load of money and time on and never have a doubt of regret? To tell you the truth, I don't think I have anyone like that anymore~ I'm too old for that kind of idealism... I lived by it a long time ago... But I can't anymore... Life is about me... about yourself... at the end of the day... it's not worth doing if you can't find any kind of benefit for yourself~
Live alone, die alone...
Social interaction is a funny thing... Sometimes just sitting around watching people and how they act can reveal some very interesting things... One interesting social behaviour is the "shout" or "I'll get it" call... heh...
I always thought "shouting" was a mutual friendly gesture... I shout this, you shout next time... we're even... But in the competitive world we live in where benefit and profit is the "ideal" - the "shout" becomes another mechanism in which to fulfill one's desire for benefit~
I shout something, you shout something more expensive... hey that's a gain for me, more benefit.. I've won out at the end of the day... I've invested this much and gained a return... not a loss...
I'm a loss person... I'm still idealistic in some ways... I know I need to be completely realistic to survive in this world... but unfortuneately I'm not... A good example of my stubborn idealism can be seen in something that happened tonight, just a few hours ago...
I was out with friends at a bar for drinks... We were getting in the mood, I hadn't drunk in friggin ages and I was in a good mood... We decided to hit the floor, just for the sake of a good time... I decided I needed one more drink to get me going... I asked my friend what drink he wanted and he suggested some cocktail type thing I'd never heard of... Sounded good. I ordered at the counter... Only to get the wrong one... The tender was a novice and had heard incorrectly, besides not knowing how to mix the drink... She called a more experienced one who had to point out that the drinks were roughly 20 bucks each before mixing it... I had ordered four...
Now I'm a pub man.. I like quiet places with a cold beer or bourbon and coke in my hand and good conversations going around... with laughs in between... I'm not a noisy - pick up girls at a bar type person... but tonight was different... different is good once in a while... Now I had just ordered a drink, not knowing how much it cost... plus buying the incorrect ones looked at a $100 out of my pocket for that one last drink before I hit the floor~ heh... Then my friend insisted he'd pay for it... My initial reaction was "no"... I usually like to give first before I take... and shouting especially I feel better... Of course at the time I'd conveniently forgotten I had shouted $50 worth of drinks earlier on~ ha... That's my idealism for ya... Anywho now my head was racing... I was on the verge of learning to save and particularly not spend money when unnecessary... The realist in me was saying, fuk just let him pay... what's the point of spending an extra $100 to shout drinks when no one will know or appreciate just how much they cost~ The idealist in me was saying, hey it's only $100... what's a 100 for drinks among friends... heh I was in a dilemma... Then I saw the best move yet... After having announced he would pay for the drinks and then I think having the same dilemma of hey this aint worth it as me, my friend tasted the drink and insisted that they weren't made right~ ha~! He is a smart fellow... keep "face" plus money~ win win... Then I thought, fuk should I be the better man and just pay for this shit~ hahaha... But eventually the realist in my took over... Guess my training paid off... Hey you need to go toilet... just go, let him handle it~ haha... So I did... I came back and I had a free drink handed to me... it tasted good too... Friend told me he refused to pay for the drinks cause they weren't made right... I think he had to pay for 2 of them at least... something like that... but in the end, in accordance with realism, I hadn't forked out the 100 and would be regretting it later after sobering up and seeing the card bill~ ha... But in the end I still felt a bit dirty... I felt like I shoul've just paid for those drinks... I've always been like that with money, which I think makes me a guy that doesn't seem tight, but then always has trouble saving or finds himself wasting money...
But for me it was another example of "live alone, die alone"... We always go on about how money doesn't mean anything between friends... haha like hell it doesn't~!!! Money means everything everywhere~ well at least it can... Sometimes I wish it wasn't so though... But regardless of what I hopelessly hope... it is so... and so we live alone and die alone... at least among friends... love and family can be a totally different issue... But at least according to TV, love could be defined in the same way... You do things for benefit~ not for mutuality or charity~ I've been fukin lucky though, in this department... for me, love has been mutual... at least on my part... love is still an ideal for me... and I know it'll stay that way~ Would be good though if I could have a handful of friends or even one friend that would be an exception to the rule~
I would like to live together then die alone... with friends... but then I guess I should be thankful that I'll live together with love~
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