ITS OK TO LOVE SOMEONE BUT NOT BE IN LOVE WITH THEM ANYMORE
February 15th 2007 08:00
At 43 am I finally able to distinguish platonic love from romantic love?
My ex rang me on Valentine's evening, not because it was Valentine's day, I doubt he know's what day it is with his schedule at the moment. He rang just to say hi, how are things going for you, and I could tell he had had a few wines and was on for a bit of a chat.
I couldnt talk long I was on a train between Group Therapy and going to see Tim Finn in concert so we had a quick chat and that was that. Now, often, in fact most times in the eighteen months since we broke up, after he calls me I feel a little down, a little wistful, the if only's and so on and so forth set in, but not this time. I didnt have time to think about the conversation or my feelings afterward last night, but I did today and I realised that sometime in the past few months, I had accepted that I love him, care about him, wish him happiness and all those nice things, but I honesty know that we gave "it" a go, and we are just not right for each other, in fact we were physically and emotionally damaging each other, big time.
In other words, I love him but I am not in love with him anymore.
I dont know when it happened, it just did; I have accepted that it's ok to love him without the romantic connection, it's fine, perfectly reasonable and in fact we are both happier, not being closely emotionally and sexually involved and get on a lot better than we did when we were a couple, we were good mates before we embarked on the relationship train and maybe we will be good mates again some day.
I am on friendly terms with two of my significant ex's, another two are dead and I loved them both dearly, for years after we broke up, still do. in fact if I could pay a million bucks to sit down and have a chat with either or both of them for a few hours, I would, seriously.
I was friends with all of them before we became partners so there was already and existing relationship before any sparks of passions appeared.
I hope that next time I meet a special someone, and I will, cos I'm a romantic at heart, the first thralls of infatuation dont blind me to the point that my intuition and reasoning go out the window and I am able to let the relationship develop naturally and if so be it run it's course.
Maybe the moral of the story is not to sleep with my friends in the first place, for me physical & mental attraction can blur the bounday lines of a relationship, stepping over the mark so to speak.........
My ex rang me on Valentine's evening, not because it was Valentine's day, I doubt he know's what day it is with his schedule at the moment. He rang just to say hi, how are things going for you, and I could tell he had had a few wines and was on for a bit of a chat.
I couldnt talk long I was on a train between Group Therapy and going to see Tim Finn in concert so we had a quick chat and that was that. Now, often, in fact most times in the eighteen months since we broke up, after he calls me I feel a little down, a little wistful, the if only's and so on and so forth set in, but not this time. I didnt have time to think about the conversation or my feelings afterward last night, but I did today and I realised that sometime in the past few months, I had accepted that I love him, care about him, wish him happiness and all those nice things, but I honesty know that we gave "it" a go, and we are just not right for each other, in fact we were physically and emotionally damaging each other, big time.
I dont know when it happened, it just did; I have accepted that it's ok to love him without the romantic connection, it's fine, perfectly reasonable and in fact we are both happier, not being closely emotionally and sexually involved and get on a lot better than we did when we were a couple, we were good mates before we embarked on the relationship train and maybe we will be good mates again some day.
I am on friendly terms with two of my significant ex's, another two are dead and I loved them both dearly, for years after we broke up, still do. in fact if I could pay a million bucks to sit down and have a chat with either or both of them for a few hours, I would, seriously.
I was friends with all of them before we became partners so there was already and existing relationship before any sparks of passions appeared.
I hope that next time I meet a special someone, and I will, cos I'm a romantic at heart, the first thralls of infatuation dont blind me to the point that my intuition and reasoning go out the window and I am able to let the relationship develop naturally and if so be it run it's course.
Maybe the moral of the story is not to sleep with my friends in the first place, for me physical & mental attraction can blur the bounday lines of a relationship, stepping over the mark so to speak.........
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Comment by Ahmed
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Comment by Miss Nomer
Comment by katyzzz
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Better or worse, one must choose very carefully at first, and the younger the better, you sound like a serial relationship person, that's a big issue nowadays, once you're into it it's hard to break free of it.
However, you sound like you're conducting your on going relationships with the ex's very well and very intelligently.
If you want to change things, and you may not, seek out some individual counselling. It's a tough one.
I thought I'd become a serial type after I got divorced but the men just weren't worth the bother, no skill, no style, no flair and as mean as b.......y, sorry can't think of a better word, my deficiency.
katyzzz
Comment by Miss Nomer
Thanks for the comment.
I would say now, I have definetly been a serial relationship person, the longest relationship I have had was nine years, and to be honest, it began because my previous partner had died and I was very distressed and a very kind older male friend scooped me up and before I knew it we were in a long term relationship, just kind of happened.
I have had individual counselling on and off since that relationship ended, I tend to need to learn things the hard way or for myself I guess.
I am grateful for the ongoing friendship I have with my ex's, glad that I can talk with them and all that.
I have been single for 18 months now and that is the longest I have ever been single, and to be honest, right now, I am content with that.
ps
the photo is actually just a shot I took of a wall of coloured bottles in a bar in Greece, just like the colours, no deep meaning there.
Comment by Wendi
Not rushing in is key. We need time to truly get to know someone - quarky traits, bad habits, soft spots, the buttons not to push, and the way they react to our own quarky traits, bad habits, soft spots, and buttons. All too often we think we've found a good thing -- the perfect partner -- and we latch on to it and force it into a pace that's unhealthy for fear of losing it, or out of sheer impatience.
I admire your ability to remain friends with former loves. I can't say the same for myself, not that I haven't tried.
Comment by Miss Nomer
Guess that's why I've never been married, came close once, if I ever get married that'll be it for me, for better and for worse, in sickness and in health and all of that.
As to remaining friends, sometimes it has taken a while, but for me, If I love someone, I dont just stop loving them, I guess they forever hold a place in my heart.
I was devastated when my partner of nine years left me for his second ex-wife, remarried her within months and had a third child with her, cutting me off from the 4 kids I had been a step-mum to...but..... if he hadnt left me I would not have had the opportunity to work in Thailand for a year, meet my most recent ex travel the world having adventures with him, and now be on my way to being a self-reliant person.
Everything happens for a reason, sometimes for me it isnt apparent at the time...
Thanks for the comment.
x
Miss Nomer