FOOD AS A WEAPON IN MY INNER TUG OF WAR
February 6th 2007 10:23
I have never really thought about my relationship with food, sat down and analysed it.
As a Taurean, I profess to love food, especially certain foods, Pasta with lovely creamy sauces, Malaysian food, Harry's Cafe De Wheels Vege pie with mash, peas and gravy.....(I'm salivating at the thought)....
I was watching "The Biggest Loser" earlier this evening, and I instantly felt hungry, despite the fact that I had a late lunch today and was still feeling quite satisfied in that department. Something about what I perceived to be deprivation, (not really deprivation, just healthy food choices and probably not their normal food choices), that the contestants are embarking on set off a trigger, a little voice that said "I'm hungry, whats in the fridge". I quickly answered myself with "You're not having anything else to eat, you didnt do much excercise today, go and have a cigarette instead". I contemplated this little internal tug of war as I puffed away on the ciggie I allowed myself to have in place of the crumpet dripping with butter and honey that I really really wanted to have, even though I'm actually not really hungry.
I was actually suprised that when I thought back over even just the last week I can remember several such conversations with my self, witholding food, as almost a punishment for not doing enough excercise and using food as incentive.
I earn a "treat" if I spend more than 30mins in the gym. I am aware that this ice-cream or chocolate late at night is a reward, only redeemable if I spend the requisite time working off the fat and sugar I am going to ingest later, like a bribe, an incentive, a bonus.
I realise that I have been using food in this way for quite some time. It was worse when I was in the midst of my worst drinking binges. I had been known not to eat anything at all for days, I think 3 days was the record, I dont know it's all a blur, the last time I went to hospital I weighed 40kgs. On those occasions the rationale was that I didnt deserve to eat, If I was going to drink excessively I couldnt eat as well, I had to choose between the two and the booze won, nine times out of ten.
I curious about this food as reward/witholding as punishment situation as I really did consider myself someone who did not have any issues with my weight or food.
I know I do not have an eating or body image disorder, but I can see how it could happen, and I feel for people that face a war with food as a weapon.
As a Taurean, I profess to love food, especially certain foods, Pasta with lovely creamy sauces, Malaysian food, Harry's Cafe De Wheels Vege pie with mash, peas and gravy.....(I'm salivating at the thought)....
I was watching "The Biggest Loser" earlier this evening, and I instantly felt hungry, despite the fact that I had a late lunch today and was still feeling quite satisfied in that department. Something about what I perceived to be deprivation, (not really deprivation, just healthy food choices and probably not their normal food choices), that the contestants are embarking on set off a trigger, a little voice that said "I'm hungry, whats in the fridge". I quickly answered myself with "You're not having anything else to eat, you didnt do much excercise today, go and have a cigarette instead". I contemplated this little internal tug of war as I puffed away on the ciggie I allowed myself to have in place of the crumpet dripping with butter and honey that I really really wanted to have, even though I'm actually not really hungry.
I was actually suprised that when I thought back over even just the last week I can remember several such conversations with my self, witholding food, as almost a punishment for not doing enough excercise and using food as incentive.
I earn a "treat" if I spend more than 30mins in the gym. I am aware that this ice-cream or chocolate late at night is a reward, only redeemable if I spend the requisite time working off the fat and sugar I am going to ingest later, like a bribe, an incentive, a bonus.
I realise that I have been using food in this way for quite some time. It was worse when I was in the midst of my worst drinking binges. I had been known not to eat anything at all for days, I think 3 days was the record, I dont know it's all a blur, the last time I went to hospital I weighed 40kgs. On those occasions the rationale was that I didnt deserve to eat, If I was going to drink excessively I couldnt eat as well, I had to choose between the two and the booze won, nine times out of ten.
I curious about this food as reward/witholding as punishment situation as I really did consider myself someone who did not have any issues with my weight or food.
I know I do not have an eating or body image disorder, but I can see how it could happen, and I feel for people that face a war with food as a weapon.
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